Australians all, let us rejoice, for it’s time for another episode of …
THE BOGUE & BOGUETTE SHOW!!!
(THE SCENE: It’s late afternoon on the bottom storey of BOGUE and BOGUETTE’s rented townhouse. The kids AIDEN, BRAIDEN, JAIDEN and KAIDEN are home from school, RYAN is home from work and JULIA from the Department of Community Services is sitting in an armchair in the living room area with her trusty clipboard and fierce scowl, scribbling away while BOGUE and BOGUETTE are sitting opposite her on the sofa.)
JULIA: So, what’s this I hear about you getting in an altercation outside your childrens’ primary school, young woman?
BOGUETTE: Altercation? What … oh, you mean that. Oh, that was nuffint, believe me, teehee!
JULIA: Hmmm, well, reports received at our DOCS regional office seem to suggest otherwise. Apparently it was quite a nasty little fight, even involved rolling down on the ground digging your nails into each other’s skin.
BOGUETTE: Yeah, but she started it!
JULIA: Tut tut! I don’t want to hear it. Christ Almighty, we all know that your husband here is a bad example for children everywhere. But you? I thought you had a bit of good in you.
BOGUETTE: (holds BOGUE’s forearm) Honey, no, not now! So what are you trying to say?
JULIA: Hmm, well, it’s obvious that if you’re going to indulge in behaviour like that, not only in front of your children but the entire school – well, we have to start considering whether you two are fit and proper persons to raise your four children.
BOGUE: What? So you’re sayin’ that youse DOCS people are gonna take away me kids? Is that what you’re saying?
JULIA: (still scribbling away) No, I’m saying that we have no choice but to consider whether removal is the best option.
BOGUETTE: Oh, but we have the children’s uncle, me brother-in-law Ryan, staying with us now. He’s really clever and stuff. He’s even been to uni, he drives an Audi which you probably saw parked outside, he works with computers and crap, he’s being a really good influence on our kids!
RYAN: (eating chicken Smith’s Crisps sandwiches with BRAIDEN in the kitchen) Hiiiiiyeeeee!!! (waves to JULIA with his mouth full and a huge cheesy grin)
JULIA: And where is he sleeping, may I ask?
BOGUE: Umm … err … on a spare mattress on the floor in Braiden and Kaiden’s bedroom. Is that all roit wiv you?
JULIA: (staring at clipboard) Hmm, a bit crowded I would have thought. Seven people in a three-bedroom townhouse. Yes. Rather crowded. I must admit, I’m starting to wonder if you really are capable of providing for your children …
BOGUE: So what are you sayin’? Here’s me, bustin’ me gut on the roadworks, I cleared fourteen hundred bucks last week, we’re savin’ up to get another house, we should have enough for a deposit once me old place is auctioned off by the bank and I’ve paid off all me other debts – please! Just give us a break, we’ll get back on our feet. Honest!
JULIA: Hmmm. OK. But just remember this. Consider. Yourself. Warned. Understand?
BOGUETTE: (sighs) All roit. We’re considering ourselves warned. Is that all?
JULIA: Yes. That’s all. (lets herself out without any farewell by either party, gets herself and her clipboard into her white government Ford Focus, and drives out of the townhouse complex)
BOGUE: She gawn?
BOGUETTE: (peeks through blinds in the front window) Yep. She’s gawn.
BOGUE: Yes! (runs with BOGUETTE and RYAN into the garage where they move some boxes hidden under old towels and bed linen, and uncover a case of Jim Beam & cola cans, a six-pack of Bacardi Breezers and a six-pack of Dos Equis beer)
RYAN: (begins to open one of the Dos Equis) What a psychopathic bitchface wh0re! Man. How you and your wife sat there without cracking, like you usually do ever since you were a little kid, is beyond me!
BOGUE: Oh believe me, it took every ounce of me strength to stop meself from smashing her fair in the face. Hey, don’t drink that crap. Have one of these instead! (opens a can of Jim Beam and thrusts it into RYAN’s hands)
RYAN: Thanks, mate! (sips from the can and grimaces as he’s not used to the sickly sweetness) Man. I’m telling you, brother – the tighter the ponytail, the bigger the bitch. Just like my ex Isabella. Grrr … that little …
BOGUE: Yeah, you got that right. I swear, on your wedding day, your bitch had her hair done up so tight, I could see the veins popping on her forehead. Not like me honeybunch here! (puts his arm around BOGUETTE’s shoulder and holds her tight and kisses her on the forehead) Nup … no ponytail, just fully straight hair … perfick!
BOGUETTE: (blushes) Oh … teehee … you’re so sweet sometimes, darling! Anyway, I’m off to cook some dinner to feed youse two and the boys. (shouts out to kitchen) Braiden! If you’re still in the kitchen, you wanna get them frozen pizzas out of the freezer? (exits to the kitchen)
BOGUE: Hey Ryan, come into the living room, you gotta see this. (the two men exit the garage and go back to the living room, and stand in front of the wall unit) Ahh. Look at this. Me collection! Me precious collection! All these Jim Beam bottles. Twenty-two of them and counting! And that’s just the full-sized ones, not includin’ all them little sample bottles an’ bottle openers an’ shit. Even got a bottle here with weird Spanish or German or Greek shit on it.
RYAN: Hahaha. Pretty damn impressive!
BOGUE: Hey mate … (hugs RYAN) Good to see ya after all these years, mate. Great to see ya, brother.
RYAN: (hugs back) No worries. Great to see you too. Thanks for letting me crash here for a little bit! Thanks so much … you don’t know how much it means to me.
BOGUE: No worries, I’d do anyfint for a brother!
RYAN: Yeah. It’s so great too … it’s sorta like coming home. I’ve forgotten so much of the simple pleasures in life, living in Bondi all those years with that bitch. Like, eating potato chip sandwiches. So yummy! But no. (puts on a falsetto voice) “Oooh, oooh, I’m Isabella, I’m a human resources executive at one of the Big Four banks, I’m too good to eat potato chip sandwiches! I won’t settle for anything less than filet mignon drizzled in the jus of organic Romanian sea-slugs every night of the week!”
RYAN: “Oh God, Ryan, you are such a westie! How on earth could I have married someone who’s never even heard of Sibelius or Shelley? You don’t even know the difference between a verdelho and a merlot!”
BOGUE: (huge belly laugh) Bwahahahahahaha! Too funny … too farkin’ funny! Oi! Who the fark is Sibelius or Shelley anyway?
RYAN: F#$%ed if I know! Cheers, mate!
BOGUE: Cheers, big ears! (the two men touch their cans together and they both take a large gulp) See? All that fancy education of yours really was good for nuffint, wasn’t it?
RYAN: What … what are you trying to say?
BOGUE: Well, here’s me, I left school at the age of fourteen, I don’t need to know any of that shit. But you … man, you’re still the only one in our family to have finished high school, let alone go on to university – and you still don’t know all that shit that wanker knobs like your ex-missus are supposed to know. Some use uni is!
RYAN: Christ, what is it with you people out here? Where on earth does all this resentment against people with an education come from! You talk about busting your gut – well, I busted my gut too at the Uni of Technology Sydney for four years to get a degree in computer engineering, not because I’m some bloody wanker but because I wanted to have a sense of achievement and a job working with stuff that I’ve always loved. And I still bust my gut to this very day, working over at North Ryde on a fixed salary without paid overtime, clearing less a week than you do, me and my team are on-call 24/7, and I spend a bloody fortune in petrol and tolls on the M7 and the M2. Give me a break!
BOGUE: Well, if you fink that you’re so farkin’ smart, and you fink you’ve achieved so much, what are you doin’ sleeping on a shitty mattress on the floor of me kids’ bedroom? Huh? Me house just got repossessed, and you don’t find me rockin’ up at your flat in Bondi, pleadin’ and beggin’ for a place to stay.
RYAN: No. You’re just jealous. You’re just jealous that at least I was born with enough brains to at least try and get somewhere in life. I made the mistake of marrying the spawn of Satan, that’s all. Don’t you worry, I’ll get back on my feet quick smart and get the f#$k out of this suburban shithole! And you don’t find me holding politicians hostage either to try to achieve that! Isn’t that right, P.P.?
BOGUE: What … what did you just call me?
RYAN: P.P.! Don’t you remember … P.P.! Remember that night … I was fifteen, you were thirteen, Mum and Dad were down at the RSL, we were home alone. You were in your bedroom, you called out to me … “Hey Ryan, got sumfint to show ya …”
BOGUE: (starts hyperventilating through his nostrils) I dare ya to keep talkin’ … go on …
RYAN: (smirks) I walked in. You opened the drawer of your desk … I said, “What, another porno mag, is it?” You go, “Nup, sumfint sicker!” You pulled out a little tiny plastic specimen vial …
BOGUE: (veins start popping on his nostrils) Urrrghgurh-
RYAN: You lifted the little vial up to my face. I could see some curly strands in there. I couldn’t tell exactly what they were. You had this huge smile on your face, grinning from ear to ear …
RYAN: And then you proudly proclaimed, “A collection of pubes!” Do you remember that night? My widdle baby bwudda! Pube Plucker! P.P.!
BOGUE: -gughrurkllugghurrkurrrghnt! (brings his fist back and punches RYAN very strongly on the jaw, sending him flying backwards into the wall unit, bringing BOGUE’s collection of Jim Beam bottles toppling to the floor, upon which many smash) You gotta go draggin’ that shit up, don’tcha? Well, that’ll teach you, you stupid fat nerdy shit! Now look what you made me do! You destroyed me entire Jim Beam collection! YOU made me do it! YOU made me angry! Get the f$%k out of me house. NOW! Get up off the floor, stop your farkin’ crying, you stupid big girl!
BOGUETTE: (comes running into the living room) Oh, Ryan, you poor thing … did me hubby hurt you? Oh, poor baby … are you OK, sweetheart?
RYAN: (sobs and sniffles) Yeah … sniff sniff … I’m … boohoo … I’m OK. Just a cut lip. None of the glass got me … sniff sniff …
BOGUETTE: Oh, your brother’s such a big meanie! Poor little thing! Hang on, I’ll just go fetch some paper towels to soak up the blood. I’ve got some Mercurochrome in the bathroom too …
BOGUE: What the fark, you stupid woman! Me brother’s been puttin’ shit on me, he made me angry, and you go stickin’ up for him! Christ, woman, where’s your loyalty! As soon as he cleans himself up, that’s it, he’s out of here!
BOGUETTE: No way! He’s staying here and that’s that! He helps with driving the kids to school in the mornings, he’s a good influence on them, Braiden especially looks up to him – and how would you like it if you had nowhere else to go? Don’t you remember … a few weeks ago, when we were getting repossessed and we didn’t know where we was gonna be sleeping?
BOGUE: Fark’s sake. Both of youse ganging up on me! Fine. You win. Fark it. (slams the front door shut on his way down to the pub)