I sit in one of the dives on Fifty-second Street, uncertain and afraid, while waiting for the latest episode of …
THE BOGUE & BOGUETTE SHOW!!!
(THE SCENE: BRAIDEN and KAIDEN‘s bedroom on the upper floor of BOGUE and BOGUETTE‘s rented townhouse. BOGUE and BOGUETTE and their riotous brats AIDEN, BRAIDEN, JAIDEN and KAIDEN are all out of house. BOGUE’s brother RYAN is alone in the bedroom, packing his suitcase.)
RYAN: (hums the first movement of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony) Hm-hm-hm-hmmm! Hm-hm-hm-hmmm! Hm-hm-hm-hm! Hm-hm-hm-hm! Let’s see … toiletries, check. My three black skivvies … check. Keys to the Audi … (feels pocket) … check. My darling Mickey Mouse … oh. Oh shit. Where did I put him? Mickey? MICKEY!!! (frantic, gets down on knees and looks under KAIDEN’s bed) … Oh! Good! I found you! (hugs Mickey Mouse stuffed toy tightly) Oh Mickey, don’t you ever leave me, you hear? Oh … Oh … What’s that you say? Kaiden stole you so he could hug you while he sits in the corner rocking and sucking his thumb, and hid you so I wouldn’t be able to see you again? Don’t worry, I’ll make sure that little shit never steals you again. Because we’re leaving this shithole! Hahaha! Aren’t you excited, Mickey? I am!
(The front door slams shut, and BOGUE, BOGUETTE and the four children all stomp about the house turning on all the light switches)
BOGUETTE: Why’s it so dark in here? Surely Ryan’s home.
BOGUE: Of course he’s home, his car’s still parked outside. Oi! Ryan? Where the fark are ya? Christ, this place was more pitch black than a coal mine, he shoulda turned some lights on for crying out loud … (stomps upstairs with BOGUETTE, where they see RYAN packing his suitcase) … Oh, good. You are here. But … where do you fink you’re going?
RYAN: Yeah, I didn’t have the lights on because I was about to leave in a few minutes. I’m going back home.
BOGUE: What? To that bitch Isabella? I thought you never wanted to speak to her again.
RYAN: No. I didn’t mean home-home. Just home. Away from here. Just that … well, after that fight we had the other night, well … I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t really welcome around here.
BOGUE: Too bloody right. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
BOGUETTE: Oh no! Please don’t leave! Please please please pretty please, stay here!
BOGUE: (nudges BOGUETTE with his left elbow) What? Why the hell do you want this dickhead to stay here? He’s a wanker.
BOGUETTE: I don’t care if he’s a wanker. He’s doing well around here. Listen, Ryan. We all just got back from the primary school’s parent-teacher night. We spoke to all the kid’s teachers. And … well … they couldn’t believe how much them kids have improved their spelling and maths and shit. Especially Braiden! Braiden’s teacher told us, that for the first time ever, he got a hundred percent on a maths test. The only kid in his class! Because you’ve been helpin’ him with his homework. And he looks up to you. He really does!
RYAN: (blushes) Well … umm … thanks. That’s very nice. But … umm … I’m really not suited to this place …
BOGUE: So mate, where are you gonna stay?
RYAN: Oh, I’m going to stay with Christian, a colleague of mine. I’ll be sleeping on the couch in his flat in Darlinghurst. I don’t care if he’s a raging queer and he has big homo romps every night with rough trade he picks up off Grindr. It’s sure as hell better than … well, let’s just say that this place doesn’t suit me.
BOGUE: What’s Grindr?
BOGUETTE: Oh honey, you don’t want to know! C’mon Ryan, you can do better than sleeping on a couch. Listen, if you find the spare mattress too uncomfy, I can kick Braiden out of his bed and you can sleep in his …
RYAN: No. It’s nothing to do with how good a bed I sleep on. It’s just … well …
BOGUE: C’mon. Out with it!
RYAN: Well … basically, there’s too much bogan scum out here, all right? There. I said it! Now piss off and let me pack my bags in peace!
BOGUE: Yeah, it’s always the way, innit? You’ve always thought you were too good for the rest of your family. Garn, admit it! Dad was right, y’know. You fink you’re so good. But really, you’re nuffint! You’re just a wanker. You reckon that people out here are scum – well, guess what? You’re the scum!
RYAN: You know what? You’re right. I’m a wanker! Deal with it. But at least I know how to write my own name! Don’t you remember … I remember, anyway. I saw you fill out a Centrelink fortnightly dole form when you were about nineteen. First name – all lower case. Middle name – all lower case. Surname – all lower case. Hahaha! Too f#$%ing stupid to even write your own name!
BOGUE: (picks up RYAN’s half-packed suitcase and throws it against the bedroom wall, sending its contents all over the room) Urrrghghkurrughugghughfurrrghhkurgghnt! You just proved me point, you f@#%in’ fat f@gg0t! You fink you’re so smart, and that because you’re smart, you’re better than the rest of us! I’ll farkin’ teach you one day ….
RYAN: (tilts his head back, squints his eyes, folds his arms and looks down his nose at BOGUE) Hey, I’m not the one who goes “Urrghgurhgughkurrghnt!” every time something doesn’t go my way! Hahaha. Loser!
BRAIDEN: (stomps up stairs and enters room) Mum! Dad! Have you seen me Ben 10 DVD which Uncle Ryan bought for me? Aiden reckons he used it as a frisbee last night … (senses the tension in the room) Oh … adult stuff. I’ll leave youse alone.
RYAN: Braiden … Goodbye, mate. I’m leaving.
BRAIDEN: Wha … what?
RYAN: Yes. I’m leaving. I’m going back to the area where I used to live. It’s OK, I can still help you with your homework on Facebook chat …
BRAIDEN: Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!! (runs up to his uncle RYAN and hugs him) No … don’t leave, Uncle Ryan … please, don’t leave … boohoo … oh boohoohoo …
RYAN: I’m sorry, Braiden. But I have to leave. It’s … it’s complicated. But it’s OK, I can still drive out here every now and again and catch up!
BOGUETTE: Please, please stay, Ryan! You’re so much help around the house, you drop the kids off at school on the way to work, you help with the homework, you installed the new wireless router for our Bigpond Liberty broadband which is ten times faster than that old one that broke …
BOGUE: Farkin’ hell. You just heard from the horse’s mouth what he finks of people like us. He’d rather stay with a p00f than honest, ordinary, hard-workin’, decent Aussies like us. And you still want him to stay? Fark this. Fark this for a farkin’ joke.
BOGUETTE: I don’t care. He’s just havin’ trouble adjustin’, that’s all. It’s been so long since he lived out here … so Ryan. Won’t you ploise ploise pretty ploise stay? Ploise?
RYAN: I’m .. I’m sorry. I have to leave. (hugs BOGUETTE and quickly pecks her on the cheek) Thanks for having me over here, giving me a place to crash for a few weeks. It’s .. umm, much appreciated. Sorry that it didn’t work out. (hugs BRAIDEN who is inconsolable) It’s OK, little mate, I can still come around every now and again. Whenever the Panthers play at the SFS, I can meet up with you at Central Station and take you to the game …
BRAIDEN: Noooooo!!!!! (runs down stairs and into backyard where he wails in the darkness and kicks the Colorbond fence causing a racket that can be heard all over St Marys) Oh boobooboohoo …
RYAN: (finishes packing, zips up his suitcase) So … best that I go back home, it’s getting late. I just hope I don’t walk in on Christian having another one of his, you know, “parties”!
(RYAN carries suitcase downstairs and loads it into his Audi, which he drives out of the townhouse complex and right towards the M4)
BOGUETTE: There? You happy now! Braiden’s absolutely beside himself, all because you act like a bloody pig and you scared his Uncle Ryan off!
BOGUE: Farkin’ hell. I give up. What more does the snobby farkin’ wanker have to do for you to see that he’s, well, a farkin’ wanker! (goes downstairs to crack open a can of Jim Beam and stand out in the backyard smoking and looking at the stars)