A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single episode of …
THE BOGUE & BOGUETTE SHOW!!!
(THE SCENE: A Thursday evening in BOGUE and BOGUETTE’s rented townhouse. BOGUE is sitting on the couch watching RBT on Channel Nine, relaxing after a hard day’s work busting his ample gut upon which rests his seventh can of Jim Beam & cola for the evening, while his snotty-nosed brats AIDEN, BRAIDEN, JAIDEN and KAIDEN are running around causing a riot as usual, because BOGUE keeps forgetting to give them their Ritalin.)
BOGUE: (empties the can in one huge gulp and speaks to the television) Bloody hell, this country’s turnin’ into a police state, I’m tellin’ ya! A bloke can’t even down a few beers on his way home from work any more. That’s OK, it’s only two munfs until I get me licence back!
(JAIDEN comes running down the stairs, trying to escape AIDEN and BRAIDEN who are chasing him)
BOGUE: Oi! Jaiden! Get yer old man another can o’ Jimmy!
JAIDEN: Not right now, Daddy. I’m playing tips with Aiden and Braiden.
BOGUE: Don’t answer back, y’unnerstand? Now get yer old man another drink, or I swear, you’ll cop a hidin’!
JAIDEN: Yes, Daddy. (reluctantly goes to fridge to retrieve another can)
(the front door opens suddenly, and BOGUETTE storms in, slams the door closed violently, and runs upstairs to the bathroom where she sobs loudly – huge, chunky, beachball-sized sobs)
BOGUE: Christ, what’s going on here, this isn’t one of her usual bloody whinges. (runs upstairs, leaving JAIDEN standing there holding an ice-cold can wondering what to do with it)
(BOGUE enters the bathroom, and puts his arm around BOGUETTE”s shoulder as she is hunched over the basin, bawling her eyes out)
BOGUE: Oh, honeybunch …. it’s all roit, honeybunch. Everyfint’s gonna be all roit. What happened, honeybunch? You can tell yer big teddy bear ….
BOGUETTE: Oh, sweetie. It’s terrible. It’s just … just … terrible! Sniff sniff boohoohoohoo …
BOGUE: It’s all roit. Jest take yer time.
BOGUETTE: Oh, darlin’ … It was just terrible! Sniff sniff … There I was, doing the grocery shopping down at the Westfields … I was pushin’ my trolley along back to me car, and I passed ProfessioNail … sob sob sob …
BOGUE: It’s all roit, don’t rush it …
BOGUETTE: And … I saw all me girlfriends inside … they’ve been me best friends for so many years now …
BOGUE: I don’t see what’s so traumatisin’ about that!
BOGUETTE: Honey, just let me explain! Anyway, every fortnight we all used to get together, go down to ProfessioNail to get our manicures done and stuff, I know most of them from standin’ out the front of the Holy Redeemer of Sacred Light Biblical Christian College waitin’ to pick up Aiden, Braiden, Jaiden and Kaiden … but ever since we got repossessed and moved, well, I haven’t heard from any of them. Anyways, I went into ProfessioNail to say g’day to them, and they all just went “Umm … err … umm … hello!” And I asked them all, “I haven’t heard from youse in ages! Why didn’t you call me, I would have come out with youse an’ stuff …” Oh, honey, it’s just too terrible! Boohoo … oh booboohoo …
BOGUE: And what happened next, me honeybunch?
BOGUETTE: And then Maree goes, “Oh, sorry, we meant to invite you along tonight, but we lost yer phone number!” Which is absolute crap, like, how can ALL of them have lost me number at the same time? I said, ” Yeah, I might have moved, but I can still come along and hang out with you girls, I do have a car still …” Then Amanda goes, “Yeah, we’ll invite you out … umm … the next time!” And the other girls start giggling …
BOGUE: What a bunch of bitches! But I don’t see why you’re so worked up …
BOGUETTE: Then I say, “Oh, OK, don’t forget to call me next time, teehee!” And as I walk away, I swear, I heard Katrina whisper to the others, “Ohmigod, what a povo loser!” Oh honey …. I can’t believe that me best friends would treat me like that! Boohoo …. boohoohoo …
BOGUE: Oh honeybunch …. it’s all roit … I still loves ya! But I don’t see why you’re so upset … I mean, it’s obvious that they weren’t yer best bloody friends in the first place …
BOGUETTE: But they ARE me best friends! Every fortnight for, like, five years we’ve gone down to get our nails done at ProfessioNail, we know each other’s deepest darkest secrets, of course they’re me friends!
BOGUE: Yeah, and as soon as sumfint bad happened to ya, they dumped ya at the drop of the hat. Some friends they are!
BOGUETTE: But they ARE me friends! If they weren’t friends, they wouldn’t have hung out with me all those years and stuff. Amanda and I were even Best Friends Forever on Facebook!
BOGUE: Farkin’ hell, bitch, you don’t get it. Sure, we’ve lost our house and you’ve lost yer job and stuff, I’ve been made to look like a total dickhead on the telly in front of the entire country twice now, but I’ve still got me mates. Mates stick by each other, y’unnerstand? So, you’re gonna have to face the fact that your friends weren’t rool friends after all. Deal with it!
BOGUETTE: (hysterical) How could you be .. be so CRUEL! I hate you! Here’s me, I’ve lost me friends, the best friends I’ve ever had, and all you can tell me is “deal with it”. I hate you! I don’t understand how I could have married such a cruel, heartless monster! I hate you! I hate you! Boohoo booboooboohoooooooooooo ….. (flails her fists up and down on BOGUE’s chest)
BOGUE: For Christ’s sake, pull yerself together, woman! If you can’t see that they weren’t your rool friends to begin with, then you must be retarded. For crying out loud, I’ve got better things to do with me time than put up with your whingeing about pissant bloody nonsense!
(goes back downstairs, leaving BOGUETTE alone in the bathroom to deal with the emotional trauma and grief of losing her supposed friends all by herself)
BOGUE: Oi! Jaiden! Where did you put me Jimmy! Jaiden? Jaiden!!! Bloody hell. (sits back down on couch, and squashes the can of Jimmy which Jaiden hid under the cushion, sending stickly black liquid fizzing everywhere)