Episode 48 – Condemned To Repeat

Vanity of vanities, all is vanity, except for …

THE BOGUE & BOGUETTE SHOW!!!

(THE SCENE: Thursday evening at the gargantuan Westfield shopping centre fifteen minutes’ drive from BOGUE and BOGUETTE’s home. The galleries and escalators are crowded with undead consumeristic lemmings, including gaggles of giggling vacuous teenage girls wearing sunglasses with lenses the size of satellite dishes walking eight abreast at 0.2 kilometres per hour blocking shoppers hurrying to get back to the bus interchange; groups of equally vacuous teenage boys just standing around staring at the aforementioned vacuous teenage girls and displaying their underwear above their baggy pants in the mistaken belief that letting the entire world know they wear Bonds or Calvin Klein is sexy; and parents dragging along their screaming snotty-nosed issue and occasionally giving them a clip across the ear. The lack of natural light, the high levels of ambient noise and the absence of clocks has left everyone spatially and temporally disoriented and therefore shuffling along like zombies.

BOGUE and BOGUETTE are holding hands, dawdling among this milieu, with glazed eyes and slackened jaws.)

BOGUE: Yeah, I guess one good fing about DOCS taking away our kiddies is, we have more time for each other, being able to spend quality time like this together.

BOGUETTE: Oh sweetie, you’re so romantic! Teehee! And a bit more time for … you-know-what too!

BOGUE: (smiles) Yeah, no need to take you up to The Entrance for dirty weekends while we dump the kids over at Shevonne’s any more! So, what were he here for again?

BOGUETTE: Umm … err … I’ve forgotten now! But yeah … I just like looking at the shops and stuff …

(BOGUE and BOGUETTE pass a promotional display, where a young salesman with a diamond stud earring and far too much gel in his hair is handing out flyers for a nearby gym. BOGUETTE takes a flyer.)

BOGUETTE: Wow, sweetie! Look at this! A new gym is opening up just a couple of streets away from us! Zero dollar joining fee, if I join by December the 31st! Awesome! How about we get one of them gym memberships?

BOGUE: Naah, stuff that. You wanna work out – why don’t you just go for a run around the block or sumfint. Or spend six bucks and do a few laps down at the council pool. You don’t need any of this gym bullshit.

BOGUETTE: Awww, but honey, I miss going to the gym, back when I had me own job and stuff! Please, honey. Gimme some money so I can sign up for a gym membership.

BOGUE: Naaah. Stuff that. I’ve got a better idea – get a job which requires rool work, like stackin’ shelves or packin’ boxes or shit. That way, you get fit, and you get paid at the same time!

BOGUETTE: Yeah, but how am I gonna impress people with that? “Oh, I’ve lost heaps of weight and stuff … oh, I don’t go to a gym, I just do night fill down at Franklins.” Yeah, that’s gonna impress people!

(BOGUE and BOGUETTE pass yet another promotional display, this time for a six-burner barbecue. A brand new lime green Ford Falcon XR6 ute is parked behind it.)

SALESMAN: Gooooooood evening, sir! Can I interest you in this brand-new, you-beaut, sweet-as barbecue? With six burners, and and easy-clean non-stick plate. And if you buy one now before the end of the year, you’ll go into the draw to win this Ford Falcon ute right here!

BOGUE: (drools) Ahhhhhhhh …. Faaaaaalcon …….

SALESMAN: Yes, pretty impressive, isn’t it? And it can be YOURS, as long as you buy this barbecue for only $499! Actually, just for you, mate, because you’re a top bloke and stuff, I’ll knock it down to $479. Mate’s rates, because you’re a buddy!

BOGUE: Faaaaaaalcon ….. lime green …… (puddle of saliva forms on floor as BOGUE reaches for his wallet)

BOGUETTE: (slaps BOGUE on forearm) Honey, no! We can’t afford it!

BOGUE: What, so we can afford an ongoing gym membership where you have to pay up each munf, but not a barbie which we only got to pay for once?

BOGUETTE: But … honey …. I need a gym membership! You don’t need a barbie. We already have a perfectly good one. So what if it’s getting a bit old and the plate’s a bit bent and stuff?

BOGUE: Six burner …. that’ll show Jason … six burner … and possibly win a … Faaaaaaaaalcon … (takes a step forward to caress the Falcon, but slips over in his own pool of saliva)

BOGUETTE: (outstretches her hand to help BOGUE up) Honey, you OK?

BOGUE: Yeah honeybunch, just slipped. Anyway. I won’t get the barbie. You won’t get the gym membership. Deal?

BOGUETTE: (pouts and folds arms) Yeah. Deal. We both lose out, but deal.

(BOGUE and BOGUETTE walk on, and pass another promotional display. This time, they’re hawking credit cards provided by a non-bank lender using a brand name not normally associated with consumer financial services, such as a fridge manufacturer or a mobile telco or an airline.)

SALESWOMAN: Good evening, sir, madam! Can I interest you in our latest credit card offer? Just for you! An introductory offer of only 7.9% interest per annum, and no annual fee for the first three months!

BOGUETTE: Wow, honey! Let’s get one!I’ll be able afford me gym membership now, and we can buy your barbie on it as well, and won’t have to worry about paying it back until later!

BOGUE: Umm … no.

BOGUETTE: Awww! You’re so cruel!

BOGUE: Cruel! Fer fark’s sake, woman, don’tcha remember the stress of having all that debt and shit? Don’tcha remember all them arguments? Don’tcha remember how you stooped so low, you almost got that job working at that topless car wash? Bloody hell. You wanna go back to that?

BOGUETTE: But … but … all me friends have credit cards and shit … and they all go to the gym too …

BOGUE: Darling. You don’t have any friends. Except for Shevonne. And she’s your cousin, so that don’t count. All your friends dropped you at the drop of a hat. So stuff them. Who gives a fark what they think?

BOGUETTE: But … but … I want my friends back!

BOGUE: Yeah well, I wanna root Scarlett Johansson, but that ain’t gonna happen any time soon. So you gotta be happy with what you got. And we got everyfint we need. Well, except for the six-burner barbie. And the Falcon ute. And the jet ski. And the pool table. And them paintings of dogs playing poker hangin’ on the wall. And taking the kids to Disneyland. But apart from that … yea … we got everyfint. What more do you want?

BOGUETTE: You love me, don’t you?

BOGUE: Bloody hell. What a stupid question! Of course I love ya! I root ya, don’t I?

BOGUETTE: Well, if you rooly rooly trooly love me … you’d get me that credit card! Just fink of what we could buy with it … the gym membership … shitloads of jewellery and stuff … me friends will want me back again!

SALESWOMAN: Ahem … so, I take it that you’re interested in taking advantage of our truly unique offer?

BOGUETTE: Sure thing! You got a biro I can borrow? (the SALESWOMAN proffers the biro, which BOGUETTE uses to fill out the credit card application form)

BOGUE: Umm … err … yes! Of course! Yes! I just thought of why you can’t give us this credit card! Yeah, our credit rating is shot! Our house got repossessed earlier this year … and, umm, me car too … that means you can’t give us a credit card!

SALESWOMAN: Well, do you have any outstanding debts?

BOGUE: Umm … no, I paid them all off …

SALESWOMAN: And have you declared bankruptcy?

BOGUE: Nup, we didn’t have to go that far …

SALESWOMAN: And both of you are in employment?

BOGUE: Well, I am, the missus ain’t though, she lost her job nearly a year ago now, I work full-time …

SALESWOMAN: And you don’t have any kids, otherwise they’d be with you tonight …

BOGUE: Well, actually …

BOGUETTE: No! We aren’t raising any kids at the moment!

SALESWOMAN: Well, a childless couple, one full-time income earner, no outstanding debts … you’ll pass the credit check for sure!

BOGUE: (sees that BOGUETTE is about to sign the application, rushes over and grabs BOGUETTE’s writing hand) Urrgjgurghhkurrghnt! For Christ’s sake, woman! Are you a f#$kin’ retard or sumfint? You really wanna go back to being a slave to debt? You remember all them threatenin’ letters we used to get? You really want that? Stuff that for a joke! Man. Haven’t you noticed that, like, we can breathe free and stuff now? That all the money that’s coming into the house, we get to spend on whatever we like after we’ve paid the rent? That we can look at our bed or our telly or our fridge and know that we own it outright and it don’t belong to nobody else? You really want all that to go?

BOGUETTE: Christ, what’s gotten into you? Lately you’ve become, like, a total tightarse loser and stuff. It’s OK, we can buy stuff and always pay it back later. What’s to worry about! You’re a friggin’ worry-wart sometimes, I tell ya! (wrenches her writing hand away from BOGUE’s grip and signs the application form and hands it to the SALESWOMAN)

THE END