Episode 52 – The Shoulder Of Your Sail

And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also at …

THE BOGUE & BOGUETTE SHOW!!!

(THE SCENE: The International Terminal at Sydney Airport early on a Saturday morning. BOGUE in his trademark sunglasses perched on top of baseball cap, black T-shirt with lots of angry Gothic letterpress and camouflage shorts and black sandals, and BOGUETTE in her favourite fluoro boob-tube, denim shorts and Crocs, have checked their baggage at a low-cost carrier’s counter, and are wheeling their small on-board cases behind them, back to where RYAN, MUMMY BOGUETTE, DADDY BOGUETTE and MUMMY BOGUE have congregated at a café where they have paid $5 each for coffee that taste like incinerator residue.)

RYAN: All checked in?

BOGUE: Yup, no dramas. All sweet, we’re ready to go … see that gate there? (gestures towards an ominous portal leading to the sterile area) That’s the time tunnel into the dark side! Haw haw haw haw!

MUMMY BOGUETTE: I can’t believe it! Me little baby! Me only daughter! Leaving Australia for the very first time! I can’t believe it! (retrieves crumpled, sodden tissue from her handbag and dabs at her eyes) Oh honey, get the camera out, we have to take a photo of this! I’m so proud of my little girl!

DADDY BOGUETTE: (in Cockney accent, concentrating on the two-speed crossword in the Daily Telegraph) Camera? What bloody camera?

MUMMY BOGUETTE: You know, the camera that I told you to pack before we left house this morning.

DADDY BOGUETTE: You didn’t tell me about no bloody camera!

MUMMY BOGUETTE: Yes I did! I told you on Wednesday to put the camera in the car …

DADDY BOGUETTE: Wednesday? Jeez, talk about advance notice. How was I supposed to bloody remember from free days ago?

MUMMY BOGUETTE: What? Am I supposed to be your personal organiser now? I can’t believe I ever married such a stupid man. In one ear and out the other!

DADDY BOGUETTE: Well gee, you coulda given me, loik, a reminder this morning before we left house.

BOGUETTE: Oh, bloody hell Mum and Dad, just use the camera on me phone and I’ll email them to you later! Look! (fidgets with her iPhone) I’ve opened up the camera and … well … just press that buttom wiv the camera thingy on it … (arms around BOGUE’s shoulder) … and CHEESE!

(Many photographs of this momentous occasion, featuring every possible permutation of those present, are taken)

BOGUETTE: So Ryan, your Dad couldn’t come this morning?

RYAN: No. The usual reason. (mimes gulping from a bottle)

MUMMY BOGUE: Yea, typical. Bloody typical, ay? He’s weak as piss. That pr!ck’s got no willpower at all. None whatsoever. Never has. Anyway, I gotta go for a few minutes, bloody fascists won’t let an old lady like me smoke in here. Cough, cough, splutter! (walks outside for several kilometres to find a non-smoking area)

MUMMY BOGUETTE: So, love, did you remember to bring your passport?

DADDY BOGUETTE: Remember her passport? Of course she bloody remembered her passport. She ain’t no dummy!

MUMMY BOGUETTE: Oi, will you shut up sometimes, darling? Your whingeing really gets on my nerves at times!

DADDY BOGUETTE: My whingeing? Bloody hell, I’m just tryin’ to do me favourite crossword in the Tele, I ain’t whingein’ about nuffink!

BOGUETTE: Anyway, let me look … (rummages through carry-on luggage) Shit … oh shit … where’s our passports!

BOGUE: Oh crap, you had them, the sheila at the check-in gave them back to you after she took our luggage.

BOGUETTE: Yeah, but I must have put them somewhere … Christ, oh Christ, oh Christ Christ Christ Christ ….

BOGUE: (pinches BOGUETTE on her bottom) Look, they’re roit here in the back pocket of your shorts.

BOGUETTE: Phew! Thank Christ for that!

BOGUE: So, where’s Shevonne this morning? That bushpig never leaves your side at things like this.

BOGUETTE: (sighs) Bloody hell, you don’t let up, will you? Anyway, she couldn’t come, one of her cats got real sick and she doesn’t want to leave it alone.

BOGUE: Wow, some great cousin she is. She cares more about a cat carking it than her own cousin and best friend leaving Astraya for the first time ever!

BOGUETTE: Oh, for bloody hell’s sake, let’s just concentrate on our little holiday and having a good time. Okay?

BOGUE: Oh, come off it you stupid b– (remembers that his parents-in-law are sitting at the same table) — I mean, me honeybunch, don’t get your knickers in a knot! I was just having fun! You should know me warped sense of humour by now.

MUMMY BOGUE: (trudges back in from her nicotine hit in her dressing gown and hair rollers, unintentionally walking at a snail’s pace between a Korean traveller with a camera and his tour group he’s trying to photograph, causing much consternation) Bloody hell, they don’t make it easy for ya, don’t they? Almost made it to Sydney Harbour at the end of the runway.

RYAN: Actually, Mum, that’s Botany Bay. The airport is nowhere near the harbour.

MUMMY BOGUE: Bloody hell, shows ya how much I know about anyfint past Parramatta. Cough, splutter, retch, cough! Anyways, I’m proud of youse travelling overseas. Ryan’s been plenty of times, and now you. Bloody hell, I’ve never even been outside of New South Wales! Actually, I tell a lie. I went up to Newcastle for a weekend once before youse were born.

BOGUE: Yeah, I can’t wait. It’s so exciting, hey? I don’t know what to expect. Like, will everyfint look different there? Will Quarter Pounders taste different? Will there be people with two heads and stuff? Yeah, I can’t wait.

RYAN: And you’ll find that travel will broaden your perspectives and expose you to the wonders of different cultures. I think you’ll come back a rather more tolerant and enlightened person, my brother.

BOGUE: Enlightened? Tolerant? Naaah. F#$% that bullshit. I just wanna get pissed on foreign grog and eat craploads of sick food and perv on hot  exotic chicks!

BOGUETTE: Yeah, and I can’t wait for all the shopping. I’m gonna make all me friends so jealous when I come back wearing a whole heap of goodies they’ll never dream of – and I won’t have to pay eBay postage either! Don’t worry Mum, there’ll be sumfint for you and Shevonne, believe me!

MUMMY BOGUETTE: (weeping, hugs BOGUETTE so tight her eyes begin to pop out) Oh me little girl! You stay safe, you understand! Don’t accept drinks from strangers! Always remember to wear plenty of Aerogard! And always boil your water, I hope you packed the electric kettle I lent you! Oh me girl … I’m gonna so miss you!

BOGUETTE: Mum, we’re only going for ten nights! Don’t be such a worry wart!

BOGUE: Yeah, it’s time to get going. I dunno how long it’s gonna take to get through Customs and shit. So we better get going. (hugs MUMMY BOGUE) Thanks for coming along and saying good-bye, Ma. And Ryan – thanks for giving us a lift today! (hugs RYAN and whispers in his ear) And thanks for paying for our airfares too. You’re a friggin’ champion. Sure, you’re a nerdy shithead who uses them big words to make me look dumb … but you’re me bruvva.

RYAN: (whispers) No worries, I’ll do anything for a brother. I know what a shit of a time you guys have had lately with DOCS and the repossession. You and your missus deserve a break! And I’ve got plenty of money. Pay it back when you can, no pressure!

BOGUE: Thanks, mate. Well, it’s time to go. Bye everyone!

BOGUETTE: Bye-bye! (hugs, kisses, blows kisses as they walk towards the gate to the sterile area)

THE END