Episode 86 – Punishers And Straighteners (Part 1)

And I’m on my knees looking for the answer, are we human or are we reading …


(THE SCENE: A bright sunny Easter Saturday afternoon at Ocean Glades Holiday Village – You’ll Never Want To Leave! An ever so gentle sea breeze is wafting over the caravan park from the adjacent sewage treatment plant; the tide is out turning the lagoon into one giant mud flat; and dump trucks reversing at the garbage tip across the main road are beeping away.

Into this tranquil tableau arrives a clapped out old Holden which pulls up outside a holiday rental caravan. AIDEN’s former foster parents MIKE and ELLEN emerge from the car.)

ELLEN: (sniffs the air) Ooooh my goodness, what a dump! This place doesn’t look anything like how it did in the NRMA Accommodation Guide. Or smell like it, in fact.

MIKE: (opens the boot to retrieve luggage) Come on, honey,  let’s just try and enjoy ourselves.

ELLEN: Noo, I doon’t see why I should have to try and enjoy myself! You knoo that I’ve always wanted to go on a mootorbike camping holiday through the Swiss Alps. Or at the very least the Torres del Paine.

MIKE: Honey, you know we can’t afford that right now.

ELLEN: (carries her make-up bag into the caravan while MIKE lugs a heavy suitcase behind her) Well, whose fault is that? I doon’t see why I should be punished just because you’re too lazy and improvident to get a proper well-paying jawb.

MIKE: Now now now, what about Matthew 6:20?

ELLEN: I doon’t give a f%&$ abart that right now! The fact is, is that you’re my husband and you’re suppoosed to be providing for me. I mean, Patti’s husband down the street just took her on a luxury Carribean cruise.

MIKE: And do you really want to spend your holidays surrounded by rich people?

ELLEN: Oooh, but I just lurve rich people, they keep the rest of us employed!

MIKE: And what about Matthew 19:24?

ELLEN: Didn’t I tell you that I doon’t give a flying f$%& abart that shit right now? Didn’t you hear the pastor during the sermon at Hillsong last Sunday? Gawd bestoos prosperity on those who deserve it, soo it’s obvious that you’re not being a dutiful Chris-tee-yarn and praying hard enough!

MIKE: Yes, dear. You’re right, dear. I’ll pray harder in future, dear.

ELLEN: Good! (leaves the caravan to retrieve more belongings and sees BERYL, VAL and SANDY sitting at a plastic outdoor table outside a caravan opposite while chain-smoking Horizon cigarettes) I’ll be back in a minute, Mike, I just have to give these people a piece of my mind. (puts her hands on her hips, squints and pouts even harder and stomps across the row to the three older women) Excuse me, but are you aware that you are smooking?

BERYL: No shit! This fag musta fallen from the sky and landed in me mouf already lit.

ELLEN: Doon’t get smart with me! Aren’t you aware that smooking is a filthy, disgusting habit?

(VAL glares at ELLEN for fifteen seconds then silently blows smoke rings in ELLEN’s face making her cough)

SANDY: And what’s it to you, love? Do you see us runnin’ around tellin’ other people that being a stuck-up hoity-toity bitch is a filthy, disgusting habit?

BERYL: Yeah, go away and mind your own business!

(MIKE sneaks up behind ELLEN and circles his right index finger around his right ear to indicate that ELLEN is mad)

BERYL, VAL and SANDY: Haw haw haw haw chortle chortle snort snort! Haw haw haw!

ELLEN: You dare laugh at me when I’m trying to tell you something for your own good? Well, guess what! When I see you three in a cancer ward with tubes stuck down your throots unable to speak soo much as a single word while gasping your very last breaths, we’ll see who’ll be laughing then!

BERYL, VAL and SANDY: Haw haw haw haw!

ELLEN: Ooooh, that’s right, it’s Easter Sunday tomorrow, I have to ask someone where the nearest Church is. (stumbles around and sees PETE, WAL and KEV sitting at another outdoor table nearby drinking cans of XXXX Gold)

PETE: Oi, you’re looking a bit lost there, can we help you?

ELLEN: Yes, you can. My husband and I have just arrived and we need to knoo where the nearest Church is.

WAL: Church? Yeah, I fink there’s one in town. Between the bottlo and the skate park.

ELLEN: How excellent! Which denomination?

WAL: None of them. It’s been boarded up fer years!

ELLEN: And that’s the only Church?

PETE: Naaaah, the Cafflick church is still open.

ELLEN: Oooh, goodness, noo! I would never even think to worship in a Church with thoose idolatrous Mary-worshippers! Soo do any of you attend Church?

KEV: Farkin’ hell, she even pronounces it with a capital letter!

WAL: Nup, nobody ’round ‘ere goes to church, lady.

ELLEN: My goodness, does anybody in this town have any ree-lee-jee-yon?

PETE: (raises his can of XXXX Gold to ELLEN) Love, this is our religion, right ‘ere!

KEV: Bloody oath!

ELLEN: (wags her finger at the three older men) Well, I’m here to tell you, and you will listen, that you won’t reach Paradise by worshipping beer, let me assure you of that!

WAL: But love, we’re already in Paradise!

ELLEN: (sniffs the air) Ewwww, if you insist. But don’t you want to be in Paradise for eternity? The only way to get that is to believe in our Saviour the Lord Jesus Christ and follow his path of righteousness!

(MIKE lurks in the background and puts his thumbs in his ears, wriggles his fingers back and forth and pokes his tongue out)

WAL, PETE and KEV: Haw haw haw haw chortle chortle snort snort! Haw haw haw!

ELLEN: You dare to mock me while I am preaching the Word of Gawd? Well, when you three are being consumed by the lake of fire in hell for all eternity while I am sitting in the Kingdom of Heaven watching you while deriving great pleasure from the cries of the damned, we’ll see who’ll be laughing then!

WAL, PETE and KEV: Haw haw haw haw!

ELLEN: Ooooh, now I have to goo to the little girl’s room. I must try and find it. (wanders from row to row looking for the ablutions block. As she rounds one corner she encounters AIDEN who is carrying a slingshot after killing six different threatened species of migratory bird listed under the Ramsar Convention in the neighbouring mangrove swamp)

AIDEN: (looks up and gasps) What are you doing here?

ELLEN: (gasps) Noo, I should be asking what YOU are doing here!

AIDEN: (in a stern, booming voice now that his voice has recently broke just after his fourteenth birthday) What, have you come to take me away again or sumfint?

ELLEN: Ooh, goodness, noo! You made my life a living hell for months on end. I was hooping I’d never see you again as long as live, you mischievous rascal. Now get art of my sight!

AIDEN: Nuh-uh. You get the f#$^ out of me sight right now, bitch. You’re on my territory now, you ugly slag.

ELLEN: (puts her left hand on her hip, wags her right index finger, and squints and pouts so hard it looks like her face is about to collapse in on itself) You listen here, buster! Art of the goodness of my oon heart I fed you, I cloothed you and I got you ready for skewl every day for all those months in order to demonstrate to you Gawd’s Chris-tee-yarn love – not that it ever does any of you filthy little heathens any good, talk abart casting pearls before swine! – and this is how you treat me? Shame on you!

AIDEN: The goodness of your own heart? Hahahahahahahaha. Don’t make me f#$^in’ laugh, bitch. You only take in all them foster kids and disabled people because you get your rocks off controlling people who can’t stand up fer themselves. Isn’t that right, you dogface?

ELLEN: How dare you impugn my nooble name with such base motives. I am a Chris-tee-yarn!

AIDEN: This is my territory, I’ll do whatever I f#$&in’ want, bushpig. So, are you ever gonna apologise? For all them bad things you done?

ELLEN: Apologise? To you? Never!

AIDEN: Oh well, you’ve given me no choice now. (raises his slingshot loaded with a marble, takes aim and flings the marble towards ELLEN, hitting her in the stomach) That’s for makin’ me do all that Bible study bullshit even though I told ya I didn’t believe in that crap, you stuck-up cow!

ELLEN: (turns around and runs) Aaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaah!

AIDEN: (gives chase while aiming again and hitting ELLEN on the shoulder) And that’s for making me go to those boring-arsed Liberal Party meetings and folding and stuffing all that political advertising bullshit into envelopes, you filthy wh0re!

ELLEN: (runs around a corner) Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah! Somebody please help me! Aaaaaaaaah!

AIDEN: (takes a shortcut between two caravans, comes face to face with ELLEN and fires again, hitting her in the neck) And that’s for refusing to give me any food even though I kept telling you I was starving – maybe one slice of wholemeal bread without butter if I was lucky, you tightarse bitch!

ELLEN: (turns around and runs) It was for your oon good! Young people eat far too much nowadays!

AIDEN: (fires again while giving chase, hitting her in the ankle) And that was for not even letting me make a phone call to Mum on Christmas Day to wish her a merry Christmas and tell her that I love her, you heartless slag!

ELLEN: Well, people like that are a bad influence on you!

AIDEN: (pauses to fire just as ELLEN is rounding another corner, hitting her in the soft tissue at the base of the back of the skull) And that’s for not even letting me Mum give me my Xbox because you’re a stuck-up Bible-bashing bitch!

ELLEN: (rounds the corner and picks up her pace out of AIDEN’s sight) Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaah! Somebody, please help me! Aaaaaah! (sees PETE, WAL and KEV drinking outside PETE’s caravan) Please! Please help me! This filthy young brat is chasing me!

PETE: (looks to WAL and KEV) Blokes, do you hear sumfint?

WAL: Nup, I don’t hear nuffint.

ELLEN: (panting and wheezing) Please, you must help me, my life is in danger!

KEV: Nup, I heard nuffint either.

ELLEN: (runs across the aisle to where BERYL, VAL and SANDY are drinking) Please, please dew let me hide in your caravan, this hooligan is chasing me and trying to kill me!

BERYL: (sticks her fingers in her ears and sings) La-di-dah, la-di-dah!

VAL and SANDY: Giggle giggle giggle giggle giggle!

ELLEN: Christ, it’s no use trying to persuade you people. (runs towards the end of the row in the direction of the office, but is blocked by AIDEN. ELLEN tries to U-turn but falls over and trips into the gravel. AIDEN reaches her before she can get up, puts his left foot on her stomach and pulls the catapult back loadec with a marble)

AIDEN: Say sorry, you snivelling sl#t!

ELLEN: Never, you–

(AIDEN lets go of the catapult, sending a marble hurting to the back of ELLEN’s throat)

ELLEN: Cough cough cough splutter splutter cough cough! Hoiiiiiiick! (coughs up the marble and spits it onto the gravel) Ookay, ookay, I’m sorry, all right? Please just let me goo, I never meant to dew all those bad things to you, I thought I was dewing the right thing, I’m sorry, ookay? Please, let me goo, I promise not to dew anything bad again! Boohoo, ooh boobooboohoo …

AIDEN: Apology accepted, f#$%face! (takes his foot off ELLEN allowing her to get up)

WAL: Hahaha, good on ya, Aido, you showed her!

SANDY: Yeah, you taught her a lesson! She had it comin’!

ELLEN: (downcast, dawdles back to her caravan while sobbing) Boohoo …. Boohoohooo … I doon’t understand why noobody likes me. Wherever I goo, everybody always seems to turn against me, and I doon’t knoo why! Somebody must be running around filling everybody’s heads with lies abart me and turning everyone against me! Oh boobooboohoo!



One response to “Episode 86 – Punishers And Straighteners (Part 1)

  • Glen

    `Urbs is back!! Good to `sees ya `readns again, and to see the family settling in.

    Can’t wait to read part 2!

    Thanks again 🙂

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