Tag Archives: Christian

Episode 87 – Punishers And Straighteners (Part 2)

Allons enfants de la Patrie, le jour de gloire est arrivé avec …


(THE SCENE: Easter Saturday afternoon at Ocean Glades Holiday Village – You’ll Never Want To Leave! PETE, WAL and KEV are sitting at a plastic outdoor table with cans of XXXX Gold on them outside one of the caravans. A New South Wales Police patrol car is parked nearby and standing near the table are a MALE COPPER and FEMALE COPPER interviewing ELLEN and AIDEN.)

ELLEN: (points at AIDEN) Here he is! Here is Aiden, the young hewligan who was trying to kill me!

AIDEN: I wasn’t trying to kill her, officer. It was self-defence. Honest!

PETE: I can vouch for that, sir. I’ll swear on a stack of Bibles that this bird ‘ere was runnin’ around chasing this fine young gentleman ‘ere and smackin’ him!

WAL: Yup, I saw it wiv me own eyes too, officer!

ELLEN: Liars! You’re oonly lying abart me because that ungrateful little scallywag Aiden’s been running around filling your heads with lies abart me and turning everyone against me, and because you are nothing but idle loofers who hate decent upstanding Chris-tee-yarns like me!

MALE OFFICER: All right, all right, let’s just get to the bottom of this, shall we? (gets out his notebook) OK, Ellen, now please give us your version of events.

ELLEN: I had oonly just arrived here with my husband on our Easter holidays, and I was searching for the toilets when I happened upon this young rascal here – he used to be my fawster child in our family’s arse-holed in Sydney – and for noo good reason he started firing at me with his slingshot! Here, look at all these bruises! (points to the bright red welts all over her body that look exactly like the King Of The Mountains jersey in the Tour de France)

FEMALE OFFICER: Hmm, and how do you explain yourself, young man?

AIDEN: (looks downcast and evasive and shrugs his shoulders) It was self-defence. Honest!

FEMALE OFFICER: And where’s your slingshot?

AIDEN: I don’t have one.

ELLEN: Nonsense! Look at his back pocket! Search him! I see it right here!

FEMALE OFFICER: All right, fess up, Aiden. Where’s the slingshot? Turn around!

(AIDEN turns around and shows the slingshot protruding from his rear pocket of his shorts)

FEMALE OFFICER: (retrieves the slingshot) Hmmm. An offensive weapon. What are you doing carrying one of these around?

AIDEN: Target practice. I just like to do target practice in Jack’s Swamp next door.

MALE OFFICER: Target practice, huh? You wouldn’t happen to know anything about all the dead birds that the Ocean Glades Landcare group have been finding in the wetlands, would you?

AIDEN: Nup. I don’t know nuffint about that. I just shoot at Coke cans and plastic bags and stuff.

MALE OFFICER: That doesn’t change the fact that you have an illegal homemade offensive weapon, and it doesn’t explain all these bruises you’ve inflicted on this lady here. You want to explain yourself, young man?

(BOGUE storms out of his nearby mobile home in his thongs and boxer shorts and Guns n’ Roses t-shirt, slams the screen door shut and marches down towards the police car)

BOGUE: (points his finger at the police officers) Oi! What’s going on wiv me son ‘ere?

FEMALE OFFICER: Sir, it appears that your son Aiden has gotten himself into a bit of trouble. He was firing this slingshot at this lady here.

BOGUE: Oh — you, Ellen! What are you doing around here, bitchface?


BOGUE: Sorry. I’ll rephrase that, officer. So, Ellen! What are you doing around here, you f#$king bitchface?

MALE OFFICER: Keep that up and we’ll have you up on disorderly conduct! Anyway, your son is under questioning here for possession of an offensive weapon and for assault occasioning actual bodily harm.

BOGUE: What? What the fark? You should be out there catching the rool criminals! Not little boys like me Aiden here carrying a bloody slingshot.

MALE OFFICER: Sir, these are serious offences and your son must be held to account for them!

BOGUE: What, you don’t go after the rool criminals, like the PE teachers at Ocean Glades High School, teaching Aiden and all the other boys in his Year 9 PE class that  it’s OK to become a massive poo-jabber!

MALE OFFICER: Sir, I told you the last time you barged into the cop shop over that, it’s part of the personal development curriculum. No law has been broken!

BOGUE: Well, there should be a law against that. Fancy that, school teachers being paid with MY taxes telling me kids that it’s OK to go up other boy’s bums!

FEMALE OFFICER: In any case, sir, that doesn’t justify why the complainant here has bruises and welts all over her body.

AIDEN: (shrugs his shoulders) I told you, officer. It was self-defence.

FEMALE OFFICER: It was self-defence, was it? So tell us, what were you defending yourself against, exactly?

PETE: Didn’t we tell youse, that she was chasin’ him and smackin’ him? Aiden ‘ere’s the finest young bloke you’re ever likely to meet, he wouldn’t hurt a fly, chief.

ELLEN: You’re lying and you knoo it!

(MIKE emerges from his caravan and sees the police with ELLEN and the others, and strolls over)

MIKE: Officers, mind if I ask what’s going on here? I was wondering where my wife was.

MALE OFFICER: Sir, do you know this boy? (points at AIDEN)

MIKE: Yes, that’s Aiden, he used to be our foster kid a couple of years ago, and that’s his father.

FEMALE OFFICER: Well, he just happens to live in this caravan park now where you’ve just arrived on your Easter holidays, and it looks like he’s gotten himself into a spot of bother. See all those bruises on your wife’s body? That’s from Aiden firing marbles at her with this. (lifts up the meanest looking slingshot on the North Coast)

MIKE: (tries to suppress a giggle and a wry smile, not very successfully) Chortl– umm, I mean — err — umm — oh dear. Oh deary deary me. We can’t have that — chortl– umm, we can’t have that now, can we? Snort snort– oh no. We can’t have that now at all.

MALE OFFICER: And this young man has yet to explain his actions. So, Aiden, you want to tell us why you fired those marbles at Ellen?

AIDEN: Because … umm … because …

MALE OFFICER: And because what?

AIDEN: (starts bawling crocodile tears) Because … because, officer … boohoo … she used to do things to me when she was me foster mum … real bad things, officer … boohoo …

MALE OFFICER: (notebook at the ready) Real bad things, eh? Like what?

AIDEN: Like … things she shouldn’t do … oh boo boohoo …

MALE OFFICER: C’mon mate, give us more details.

AIDEN: Like … boohoo …. she used to … oh booboobooboohoo … she used to strip me naked and bend me over her knees while smacking me bottom and singing ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ …

PETE: See, officers? We told you that she was smackin’ him!

MALE OFFICER: Shut yer trap, you old mong, and let Aiden say what he’s gotta say!

FEMALE OFFICER: (puts one arm around AIDEN’s shoulders and pats his head with her other hand) Awwww Aiden, you poor thing!

MALE OFFICER: (scribbling away) And did she do anything else to you?

AIDEN: Boohoo … boohoohoohoo … Yeah … She used to get a rolling pin … and do real bad stuff with it. Like, put it in places where she shouldn’t of …

FEMALE OFFICER: Awwww, Aiden, that’s just terrible, you poor little baby …

ELLEN: You lying little ne’er-do-well, Aiden! How dare you insinuate that I would ever dew such a thing! I doon’t even oon a row-ling pin! Officers, you can search my entire arse-holed from top to bottom, you woon’t find a row-ling pin anywhere!

AIDEN: And … and … boohoohoo … now I’ve got post-traumatic stress disorder an’ shit, officer … and … and … boohoo … and when I saw Ellen come round the corner, I got real bad flashbacks and … and … I couldn’t control meself, officer … I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt her! Boohoo, oh booboobooboohoo ….

BOGUE: (lunges towards ELLEN) Urrghgurhgurhgurhgurghrhgrhgrkurrrrghnt! You paedophile bitch!

MALE COPPER: (grabs BOGUE and pins his arms behind his back) Listen, mate! You shut up and just let us deal with it, you hear me? Let us get to the bottom of this!

(AIDEN stops crying for a split second and pokes his tongue out at ELLEN while all the other adults aren’t looking, and then resumes his crying)

ELLEN: Look! Look! Aiden is lying! He just pooked his tongue out at me. That proves that he’s lying!

AIDEN: Boohoo … oh boobooboohoo … I didn’t poke my tongue out at her. She’s just makin’ it up to make me look bad … oh boohoohoo …

MALE COPPER: So, Ellen, how do you respond to Aiden’s allegations?

ELLEN: Ooh, noo! It’s absolutely impossible for me to ever dew such heinous things!

MALE COPPER: And why is that?

ELLEN: Because I’m a Chris-tee-yarn!

PETE: I woulda thought that that would make you even more likely to tamper with little kiddies, you disgustin’ old perv!

MALE COPPER: Didn’t I tell all of youse to just shut up and let us deal with it! So, Ellen, would you like to accompany us to the police station to make a statement?

ELLEN: Ooh, goodness, noo! I’ve done nothing wrong.

MALE COPPER: Love, these are very serious allegations. It would be in your best interests to comply with us and come to the police station for questioning.

ELLEN: Mike! Mike! You have to help me here! Tell these officers that I have no case to aaah-nswer.

MIKE: Help you? Why would I want to help you? You’re a child abuser. I can’t believe it. My wife, touching up little kiddies we took in as foster children. That’s it. I’m separating from you.

ELLEN: Noo … noo … noo. Ooh, goodness, noo. But Aiden’s lying! Honest!

MIKE: It’s too late, Ellen. In twelve months’ time I’m filing for divorce.

ELLEN: You’re divorcing me? But we’re not allowed to get divorced.

MIKE: And why’s that?

ELLEN: Because we’re Chris-tee-yarns!

MIKE: No, Ellen. We’re not Christians. You’re a Christian.

ELLEN: What … what … you mean to say that … that …

MIKE: That’s right. You’re a Christian.

ELLEN: But … all those sermons we went to at Hillsong on Sunday mornings. All the Bible study groups we attended. All the church camps we organised together. But … but … you’ve got to be a Chris-tee-yarn.

MIKE: No, Ellen. It was all bullshit I only went along with to shut your f#$king mouth and keep you happy. I’m over it.

ELLEN: But … but …. (hyperventilates) Noo … noo … noo … it’s impossible … this is a nightmare … it’s got to be … noo … noo … tell me this is just a hallucination … please … noo … noo …

MALE COPPER: (locks his arm into ELLEN’s elbow and gestures towards the patrol car) Now, lady, just come this way, we’ll take you in for questioning and give you the opportunity to make a statement and–

ELLEN: (pushes MALE COPPER away violently) Get your hands awf me, you filthy brute! I’m not boogan criminal scum like these filthy old alcoholics here! Look at them! Sitting there drinking without even wearing shirts. How obscene! You should be arresting them for indecent behaviour instead!

PETE: Awww, come on, don’t deny that you were pervin’ on us earlier on, you hoity-toity bitch!

WAL: Yeah, your eyes were poppin’ out of yer head like they were on springs, I reckon! You wanted a piece of this real bad. (flexes his bicep and points to it)

MALE COPPER: For the last bloody time, shut yer traps, you old farts! (drags ELLEN to the patrol car) Ellen, I now advise you that you are under arrest and anything you–

ELLEN: (kicking and screaming along the gravel driveway) Noo! Noo! You will let goo of me this instant! I have done nothing wrong! I AM A CHRIS-TEE-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARN!!!



Episode 86 – Punishers And Straighteners (Part 1)

And I’m on my knees looking for the answer, are we human or are we reading …


(THE SCENE: A bright sunny Easter Saturday afternoon at Ocean Glades Holiday Village – You’ll Never Want To Leave! An ever so gentle sea breeze is wafting over the caravan park from the adjacent sewage treatment plant; the tide is out turning the lagoon into one giant mud flat; and dump trucks reversing at the garbage tip across the main road are beeping away.

Into this tranquil tableau arrives a clapped out old Holden which pulls up outside a holiday rental caravan. AIDEN’s former foster parents MIKE and ELLEN emerge from the car.)

ELLEN: (sniffs the air) Ooooh my goodness, what a dump! This place doesn’t look anything like how it did in the NRMA Accommodation Guide. Or smell like it, in fact.

MIKE: (opens the boot to retrieve luggage) Come on, honey,  let’s just try and enjoy ourselves.

ELLEN: Noo, I doon’t see why I should have to try and enjoy myself! You knoo that I’ve always wanted to go on a mootorbike camping holiday through the Swiss Alps. Or at the very least the Torres del Paine.

MIKE: Honey, you know we can’t afford that right now.

ELLEN: (carries her make-up bag into the caravan while MIKE lugs a heavy suitcase behind her) Well, whose fault is that? I doon’t see why I should be punished just because you’re too lazy and improvident to get a proper well-paying jawb.

MIKE: Now now now, what about Matthew 6:20?

ELLEN: I doon’t give a f%&$ abart that right now! The fact is, is that you’re my husband and you’re suppoosed to be providing for me. I mean, Patti’s husband down the street just took her on a luxury Carribean cruise.

MIKE: And do you really want to spend your holidays surrounded by rich people?

ELLEN: Oooh, but I just lurve rich people, they keep the rest of us employed!

MIKE: And what about Matthew 19:24?

ELLEN: Didn’t I tell you that I doon’t give a flying f$%& abart that shit right now? Didn’t you hear the pastor during the sermon at Hillsong last Sunday? Gawd bestoos prosperity on those who deserve it, soo it’s obvious that you’re not being a dutiful Chris-tee-yarn and praying hard enough!

MIKE: Yes, dear. You’re right, dear. I’ll pray harder in future, dear.

ELLEN: Good! (leaves the caravan to retrieve more belongings and sees BERYL, VAL and SANDY sitting at a plastic outdoor table outside a caravan opposite while chain-smoking Horizon cigarettes) I’ll be back in a minute, Mike, I just have to give these people a piece of my mind. (puts her hands on her hips, squints and pouts even harder and stomps across the row to the three older women) Excuse me, but are you aware that you are smooking?

BERYL: No shit! This fag musta fallen from the sky and landed in me mouf already lit.

ELLEN: Doon’t get smart with me! Aren’t you aware that smooking is a filthy, disgusting habit?

(VAL glares at ELLEN for fifteen seconds then silently blows smoke rings in ELLEN’s face making her cough)

SANDY: And what’s it to you, love? Do you see us runnin’ around tellin’ other people that being a stuck-up hoity-toity bitch is a filthy, disgusting habit?

BERYL: Yeah, go away and mind your own business!

(MIKE sneaks up behind ELLEN and circles his right index finger around his right ear to indicate that ELLEN is mad)

BERYL, VAL and SANDY: Haw haw haw haw chortle chortle snort snort! Haw haw haw!

ELLEN: You dare laugh at me when I’m trying to tell you something for your own good? Well, guess what! When I see you three in a cancer ward with tubes stuck down your throots unable to speak soo much as a single word while gasping your very last breaths, we’ll see who’ll be laughing then!

BERYL, VAL and SANDY: Haw haw haw haw!

ELLEN: Ooooh, that’s right, it’s Easter Sunday tomorrow, I have to ask someone where the nearest Church is. (stumbles around and sees PETE, WAL and KEV sitting at another outdoor table nearby drinking cans of XXXX Gold)

PETE: Oi, you’re looking a bit lost there, can we help you?

ELLEN: Yes, you can. My husband and I have just arrived and we need to knoo where the nearest Church is.

WAL: Church? Yeah, I fink there’s one in town. Between the bottlo and the skate park.

ELLEN: How excellent! Which denomination?

WAL: None of them. It’s been boarded up fer years!

ELLEN: And that’s the only Church?

PETE: Naaaah, the Cafflick church is still open.

ELLEN: Oooh, goodness, noo! I would never even think to worship in a Church with thoose idolatrous Mary-worshippers! Soo do any of you attend Church?

KEV: Farkin’ hell, she even pronounces it with a capital letter!

WAL: Nup, nobody ’round ‘ere goes to church, lady.

ELLEN: My goodness, does anybody in this town have any ree-lee-jee-yon?

PETE: (raises his can of XXXX Gold to ELLEN) Love, this is our religion, right ‘ere!

KEV: Bloody oath!

ELLEN: (wags her finger at the three older men) Well, I’m here to tell you, and you will listen, that you won’t reach Paradise by worshipping beer, let me assure you of that!

WAL: But love, we’re already in Paradise!

ELLEN: (sniffs the air) Ewwww, if you insist. But don’t you want to be in Paradise for eternity? The only way to get that is to believe in our Saviour the Lord Jesus Christ and follow his path of righteousness!

(MIKE lurks in the background and puts his thumbs in his ears, wriggles his fingers back and forth and pokes his tongue out)

WAL, PETE and KEV: Haw haw haw haw chortle chortle snort snort! Haw haw haw!

ELLEN: You dare to mock me while I am preaching the Word of Gawd? Well, when you three are being consumed by the lake of fire in hell for all eternity while I am sitting in the Kingdom of Heaven watching you while deriving great pleasure from the cries of the damned, we’ll see who’ll be laughing then!

WAL, PETE and KEV: Haw haw haw haw!

ELLEN: Ooooh, now I have to goo to the little girl’s room. I must try and find it. (wanders from row to row looking for the ablutions block. As she rounds one corner she encounters AIDEN who is carrying a slingshot after killing six different threatened species of migratory bird listed under the Ramsar Convention in the neighbouring mangrove swamp)

AIDEN: (looks up and gasps) What are you doing here?

ELLEN: (gasps) Noo, I should be asking what YOU are doing here!

AIDEN: (in a stern, booming voice now that his voice has recently broke just after his fourteenth birthday) What, have you come to take me away again or sumfint?

ELLEN: Ooh, goodness, noo! You made my life a living hell for months on end. I was hooping I’d never see you again as long as live, you mischievous rascal. Now get art of my sight!

AIDEN: Nuh-uh. You get the f#$^ out of me sight right now, bitch. You’re on my territory now, you ugly slag.

ELLEN: (puts her left hand on her hip, wags her right index finger, and squints and pouts so hard it looks like her face is about to collapse in on itself) You listen here, buster! Art of the goodness of my oon heart I fed you, I cloothed you and I got you ready for skewl every day for all those months in order to demonstrate to you Gawd’s Chris-tee-yarn love – not that it ever does any of you filthy little heathens any good, talk abart casting pearls before swine! – and this is how you treat me? Shame on you!

AIDEN: The goodness of your own heart? Hahahahahahahaha. Don’t make me f#$^in’ laugh, bitch. You only take in all them foster kids and disabled people because you get your rocks off controlling people who can’t stand up fer themselves. Isn’t that right, you dogface?

ELLEN: How dare you impugn my nooble name with such base motives. I am a Chris-tee-yarn!

AIDEN: This is my territory, I’ll do whatever I f#$&in’ want, bushpig. So, are you ever gonna apologise? For all them bad things you done?

ELLEN: Apologise? To you? Never!

AIDEN: Oh well, you’ve given me no choice now. (raises his slingshot loaded with a marble, takes aim and flings the marble towards ELLEN, hitting her in the stomach) That’s for makin’ me do all that Bible study bullshit even though I told ya I didn’t believe in that crap, you stuck-up cow!

ELLEN: (turns around and runs) Aaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaah!

AIDEN: (gives chase while aiming again and hitting ELLEN on the shoulder) And that’s for making me go to those boring-arsed Liberal Party meetings and folding and stuffing all that political advertising bullshit into envelopes, you filthy wh0re!

ELLEN: (runs around a corner) Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah! Somebody please help me! Aaaaaaaaah!

AIDEN: (takes a shortcut between two caravans, comes face to face with ELLEN and fires again, hitting her in the neck) And that’s for refusing to give me any food even though I kept telling you I was starving – maybe one slice of wholemeal bread without butter if I was lucky, you tightarse bitch!

ELLEN: (turns around and runs) It was for your oon good! Young people eat far too much nowadays!

AIDEN: (fires again while giving chase, hitting her in the ankle) And that was for not even letting me make a phone call to Mum on Christmas Day to wish her a merry Christmas and tell her that I love her, you heartless slag!

ELLEN: Well, people like that are a bad influence on you!

AIDEN: (pauses to fire just as ELLEN is rounding another corner, hitting her in the soft tissue at the base of the back of the skull) And that’s for not even letting me Mum give me my Xbox because you’re a stuck-up Bible-bashing bitch!

ELLEN: (rounds the corner and picks up her pace out of AIDEN’s sight) Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaah! Somebody, please help me! Aaaaaah! (sees PETE, WAL and KEV drinking outside PETE’s caravan) Please! Please help me! This filthy young brat is chasing me!

PETE: (looks to WAL and KEV) Blokes, do you hear sumfint?

WAL: Nup, I don’t hear nuffint.

ELLEN: (panting and wheezing) Please, you must help me, my life is in danger!

KEV: Nup, I heard nuffint either.

ELLEN: (runs across the aisle to where BERYL, VAL and SANDY are drinking) Please, please dew let me hide in your caravan, this hooligan is chasing me and trying to kill me!

BERYL: (sticks her fingers in her ears and sings) La-di-dah, la-di-dah!

VAL and SANDY: Giggle giggle giggle giggle giggle!

ELLEN: Christ, it’s no use trying to persuade you people. (runs towards the end of the row in the direction of the office, but is blocked by AIDEN. ELLEN tries to U-turn but falls over and trips into the gravel. AIDEN reaches her before she can get up, puts his left foot on her stomach and pulls the catapult back loadec with a marble)

AIDEN: Say sorry, you snivelling sl#t!

ELLEN: Never, you–

(AIDEN lets go of the catapult, sending a marble hurting to the back of ELLEN’s throat)

ELLEN: Cough cough cough splutter splutter cough cough! Hoiiiiiiick! (coughs up the marble and spits it onto the gravel) Ookay, ookay, I’m sorry, all right? Please just let me goo, I never meant to dew all those bad things to you, I thought I was dewing the right thing, I’m sorry, ookay? Please, let me goo, I promise not to dew anything bad again! Boohoo, ooh boobooboohoo …

AIDEN: Apology accepted, f#$%face! (takes his foot off ELLEN allowing her to get up)

WAL: Hahaha, good on ya, Aido, you showed her!

SANDY: Yeah, you taught her a lesson! She had it comin’!

ELLEN: (downcast, dawdles back to her caravan while sobbing) Boohoo …. Boohoohooo … I doon’t understand why noobody likes me. Wherever I goo, everybody always seems to turn against me, and I doon’t knoo why! Somebody must be running around filling everybody’s heads with lies abart me and turning everyone against me! Oh boobooboohoo!