Allons enfants de la Patrie, le jour de gloire est arrivé avec …
THE BOGUE & BOGUETTE SHOW!!!
(THE SCENE: Easter Saturday afternoon at Ocean Glades Holiday Village – You’ll Never Want To Leave! PETE, WAL and KEV are sitting at a plastic outdoor table with cans of XXXX Gold on them outside one of the caravans. A New South Wales Police patrol car is parked nearby and standing near the table are a MALE COPPER and FEMALE COPPER interviewing ELLEN and AIDEN.)
ELLEN: (points at AIDEN) Here he is! Here is Aiden, the young hewligan who was trying to kill me!
AIDEN: I wasn’t trying to kill her, officer. It was self-defence. Honest!
PETE: I can vouch for that, sir. I’ll swear on a stack of Bibles that this bird ‘ere was runnin’ around chasing this fine young gentleman ‘ere and smackin’ him!
WAL: Yup, I saw it wiv me own eyes too, officer!
ELLEN: Liars! You’re oonly lying abart me because that ungrateful little scallywag Aiden’s been running around filling your heads with lies abart me and turning everyone against me, and because you are nothing but idle loofers who hate decent upstanding Chris-tee-yarns like me!
MALE OFFICER: All right, all right, let’s just get to the bottom of this, shall we? (gets out his notebook) OK, Ellen, now please give us your version of events.
ELLEN: I had oonly just arrived here with my husband on our Easter holidays, and I was searching for the toilets when I happened upon this young rascal here – he used to be my fawster child in our family’s arse-holed in Sydney – and for noo good reason he started firing at me with his slingshot! Here, look at all these bruises! (points to the bright red welts all over her body that look exactly like the King Of The Mountains jersey in the Tour de France)
FEMALE OFFICER: Hmm, and how do you explain yourself, young man?
AIDEN: (looks downcast and evasive and shrugs his shoulders) It was self-defence. Honest!
FEMALE OFFICER: And where’s your slingshot?
AIDEN: I don’t have one.
ELLEN: Nonsense! Look at his back pocket! Search him! I see it right here!
FEMALE OFFICER: All right, fess up, Aiden. Where’s the slingshot? Turn around!
(AIDEN turns around and shows the slingshot protruding from his rear pocket of his shorts)
FEMALE OFFICER: (retrieves the slingshot) Hmmm. An offensive weapon. What are you doing carrying one of these around?
AIDEN: Target practice. I just like to do target practice in Jack’s Swamp next door.
MALE OFFICER: Target practice, huh? You wouldn’t happen to know anything about all the dead birds that the Ocean Glades Landcare group have been finding in the wetlands, would you?
AIDEN: Nup. I don’t know nuffint about that. I just shoot at Coke cans and plastic bags and stuff.
MALE OFFICER: That doesn’t change the fact that you have an illegal homemade offensive weapon, and it doesn’t explain all these bruises you’ve inflicted on this lady here. You want to explain yourself, young man?
(BOGUE storms out of his nearby mobile home in his thongs and boxer shorts and Guns n’ Roses t-shirt, slams the screen door shut and marches down towards the police car)
BOGUE: (points his finger at the police officers) Oi! What’s going on wiv me son ‘ere?
FEMALE OFFICER: Sir, it appears that your son Aiden has gotten himself into a bit of trouble. He was firing this slingshot at this lady here.
BOGUE: Oh — you, Ellen! What are you doing around here, bitchface?
FEMALE OFFICER: Oi! Language!
BOGUE: Sorry. I’ll rephrase that, officer. So, Ellen! What are you doing around here, you f#$king bitchface?
MALE OFFICER: Keep that up and we’ll have you up on disorderly conduct! Anyway, your son is under questioning here for possession of an offensive weapon and for assault occasioning actual bodily harm.
BOGUE: What? What the fark? You should be out there catching the rool criminals! Not little boys like me Aiden here carrying a bloody slingshot.
MALE OFFICER: Sir, these are serious offences and your son must be held to account for them!
BOGUE: What, you don’t go after the rool criminals, like the PE teachers at Ocean Glades High School, teaching Aiden and all the other boys in his Year 9 PE class that it’s OK to become a massive poo-jabber!
MALE OFFICER: Sir, I told you the last time you barged into the cop shop over that, it’s part of the personal development curriculum. No law has been broken!
BOGUE: Well, there should be a law against that. Fancy that, school teachers being paid with MY taxes telling me kids that it’s OK to go up other boy’s bums!
FEMALE OFFICER: In any case, sir, that doesn’t justify why the complainant here has bruises and welts all over her body.
AIDEN: (shrugs his shoulders) I told you, officer. It was self-defence.
FEMALE OFFICER: It was self-defence, was it? So tell us, what were you defending yourself against, exactly?
PETE: Didn’t we tell youse, that she was chasin’ him and smackin’ him? Aiden ‘ere’s the finest young bloke you’re ever likely to meet, he wouldn’t hurt a fly, chief.
ELLEN: You’re lying and you knoo it!
(MIKE emerges from his caravan and sees the police with ELLEN and the others, and strolls over)
MIKE: Officers, mind if I ask what’s going on here? I was wondering where my wife was.
MALE OFFICER: Sir, do you know this boy? (points at AIDEN)
MIKE: Yes, that’s Aiden, he used to be our foster kid a couple of years ago, and that’s his father.
FEMALE OFFICER: Well, he just happens to live in this caravan park now where you’ve just arrived on your Easter holidays, and it looks like he’s gotten himself into a spot of bother. See all those bruises on your wife’s body? That’s from Aiden firing marbles at her with this. (lifts up the meanest looking slingshot on the North Coast)
MIKE: (tries to suppress a giggle and a wry smile, not very successfully) Chortl– umm, I mean — err — umm — oh dear. Oh deary deary me. We can’t have that — chortl– umm, we can’t have that now, can we? Snort snort– oh no. We can’t have that now at all.
MALE OFFICER: And this young man has yet to explain his actions. So, Aiden, you want to tell us why you fired those marbles at Ellen?
AIDEN: Because … umm … because …
MALE OFFICER: And because what?
AIDEN: (starts bawling crocodile tears) Because … because, officer … boohoo … she used to do things to me when she was me foster mum … real bad things, officer … boohoo …
MALE OFFICER: (notebook at the ready) Real bad things, eh? Like what?
AIDEN: Like … things she shouldn’t do … oh boo boohoo …
MALE OFFICER: C’mon mate, give us more details.
AIDEN: Like … boohoo …. she used to … oh booboobooboohoo … she used to strip me naked and bend me over her knees while smacking me bottom and singing ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ …
PETE: See, officers? We told you that she was smackin’ him!
MALE OFFICER: Shut yer trap, you old mong, and let Aiden say what he’s gotta say!
FEMALE OFFICER: (puts one arm around AIDEN’s shoulders and pats his head with her other hand) Awwww Aiden, you poor thing!
MALE OFFICER: (scribbling away) And did she do anything else to you?
AIDEN: Boohoo … boohoohoohoo … Yeah … She used to get a rolling pin … and do real bad stuff with it. Like, put it in places where she shouldn’t of …
FEMALE OFFICER: Awwww, Aiden, that’s just terrible, you poor little baby …
ELLEN: You lying little ne’er-do-well, Aiden! How dare you insinuate that I would ever dew such a thing! I doon’t even oon a row-ling pin! Officers, you can search my entire arse-holed from top to bottom, you woon’t find a row-ling pin anywhere!
AIDEN: And … and … boohoohoo … now I’ve got post-traumatic stress disorder an’ shit, officer … and … and … boohoo … and when I saw Ellen come round the corner, I got real bad flashbacks and … and … I couldn’t control meself, officer … I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt her! Boohoo, oh booboobooboohoo ….
BOGUE: (lunges towards ELLEN) Urrghgurhgurhgurhgurghrhgrhgrkurrrrghnt! You paedophile bitch!
MALE COPPER: (grabs BOGUE and pins his arms behind his back) Listen, mate! You shut up and just let us deal with it, you hear me? Let us get to the bottom of this!
(AIDEN stops crying for a split second and pokes his tongue out at ELLEN while all the other adults aren’t looking, and then resumes his crying)
ELLEN: Look! Look! Aiden is lying! He just pooked his tongue out at me. That proves that he’s lying!
AIDEN: Boohoo … oh boobooboohoo … I didn’t poke my tongue out at her. She’s just makin’ it up to make me look bad … oh boohoohoo …
MALE COPPER: So, Ellen, how do you respond to Aiden’s allegations?
ELLEN: Ooh, noo! It’s absolutely impossible for me to ever dew such heinous things!
MALE COPPER: And why is that?
ELLEN: Because I’m a Chris-tee-yarn!
PETE: I woulda thought that that would make you even more likely to tamper with little kiddies, you disgustin’ old perv!
MALE COPPER: Didn’t I tell all of youse to just shut up and let us deal with it! So, Ellen, would you like to accompany us to the police station to make a statement?
ELLEN: Ooh, goodness, noo! I’ve done nothing wrong.
MALE COPPER: Love, these are very serious allegations. It would be in your best interests to comply with us and come to the police station for questioning.
ELLEN: Mike! Mike! You have to help me here! Tell these officers that I have no case to aaah-nswer.
MIKE: Help you? Why would I want to help you? You’re a child abuser. I can’t believe it. My wife, touching up little kiddies we took in as foster children. That’s it. I’m separating from you.
ELLEN: Noo … noo … noo. Ooh, goodness, noo. But Aiden’s lying! Honest!
MIKE: It’s too late, Ellen. In twelve months’ time I’m filing for divorce.
ELLEN: You’re divorcing me? But we’re not allowed to get divorced.
MIKE: And why’s that?
ELLEN: Because we’re Chris-tee-yarns!
MIKE: No, Ellen. We’re not Christians. You’re a Christian.
ELLEN: What … what … you mean to say that … that …
MIKE: That’s right. You’re a Christian.
ELLEN: But … all those sermons we went to at Hillsong on Sunday mornings. All the Bible study groups we attended. All the church camps we organised together. But … but … you’ve got to be a Chris-tee-yarn.
MIKE: No, Ellen. It was all bullshit I only went along with to shut your f#$king mouth and keep you happy. I’m over it.
ELLEN: But … but …. (hyperventilates) Noo … noo … noo … it’s impossible … this is a nightmare … it’s got to be … noo … noo … tell me this is just a hallucination … please … noo … noo …
MALE COPPER: (locks his arm into ELLEN’s elbow and gestures towards the patrol car) Now, lady, just come this way, we’ll take you in for questioning and give you the opportunity to make a statement and–
ELLEN: (pushes MALE COPPER away violently) Get your hands awf me, you filthy brute! I’m not boogan criminal scum like these filthy old alcoholics here! Look at them! Sitting there drinking without even wearing shirts. How obscene! You should be arresting them for indecent behaviour instead!
PETE: Awww, come on, don’t deny that you were pervin’ on us earlier on, you hoity-toity bitch!
WAL: Yeah, your eyes were poppin’ out of yer head like they were on springs, I reckon! You wanted a piece of this real bad. (flexes his bicep and points to it)
MALE COPPER: For the last bloody time, shut yer traps, you old farts! (drags ELLEN to the patrol car) Ellen, I now advise you that you are under arrest and anything you–
ELLEN: (kicking and screaming along the gravel driveway) Noo! Noo! You will let goo of me this instant! I have done nothing wrong! I AM A CHRIS-TEE-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARN!!!