Episode 24 – The Tether’s End (Part 1)

If there is one thing that you must read before you die, make sure that you read this episode of …

THE BOGUE & BOGUETTE SHOW!!!

(THE SCENE: A cold, overcast, windy July afternoon at a small strip mall on the side of a busy six-lane arterial road a couple of suburbs away from BOGUE and BOGUETTE’s McMansion. One of the shops is the electorate office of BOGUE and BOGUETTE’s state MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT, the front windows of which are festooned with posters featuring the MP’s rotund, balding face and anodyne slogans such as “Working For You” and “Standing Up For Your Community”.

BOGUE and BOGUETTE get out of BOGUETTE’s 2003 Suzuki Swift, along with their four children AIDEN, BRAIDEN, JAIDEN and KAIDEN all squeezed like sardines into the back seat. BOGUE is wearing a Penrith Panthers beanie, a Unit hooded fleece, board shorts and a pair of thongs. The family march up to the MP’s office.)

BOGUE: (shivering) Brrr, I’m freezing! I should have put on another jumper!

BOGUETTE: Well, the MP probably has a heater. Let’s just hope he’s in the office! Now kids, youse dickheads had better be on your best behaviour again, unnerstand? And remember what to do when I give the signal!

(The BOGUE family enter the office and are greeted by an efficient, bespectacled and attractive brunette twenty-something receptionist, LAUREN.)

LAUREN: Good afternoon, can I help you?

BOGUE: Yeah love, we need to speak to our MP.

LAUREN: OK sir, do you have an appointment?

BOGUETTE: An appointment? Oh no … sorry … nobody told us about an appointment!

BOGUE: Yeah, nobody ever told us about an appointment, I thought that we could just rock up and stuff.

LAUREN: Ummm, no. I’m sorry, but the MP is a very busy man. I’ll just see here …. (scans the office diary) … hmm … the next available slot I can schedule you for is … Wednesday week at 10:15am for fifteen minutes …

BOGUE: (gets flustered) What? What the fark? This is urgent, we hafta see him right away, and I ain’t leavin’ until we get to see him. Is he in the office?

LAUREN: Umm … no, but … umm … yeah he might be, but … umm …

BOGUE: Oh, so he is in the office. Good! (barges past the front desk and knocks on the MP’s door)

LAUREN: No! What the hell do you think you’re doing! Get out of there this instant! I told you, the MP is a very busy man, and you need an appointment!

BOGUE: Oi! I pay me taxes, I’ll speak to me MP any bloody time I want, thank you very much! (knocks on door again)

MP: (opens door) Oh … I thought it was you, Lauren … yes, can I help you?

BOGUETTE: So sorry to disturb you, mate, but we need to see you urgently and stuff … can you spare, like, ten minutes or sumfint?

MP: All right, but only ten minutes. I have to get to a standing committee meeting in Macquarie Street by seven … so come in, how can I help you?

(The BOGUE family all assemble in the MPs office)

BOGUE: Yeah mate, we need yer help … anyway, to cut a long story short, and this is embarrassin’ an’ shit, but … yeah, our house is gettin’ repossessed, papers are being filed in the District Court today, and we’ve looked everywhere for a place to live. But as soon as landlords know you’ve got four kids, they don’t wanna know ya, the Housing Commission won’t give us a place either, we’ve gone to the Salvos and Vinnies and they’re all full up too, and … please … well, we need your help. Here’s all the paperwork to prove it and stuff.

MP: OK, let’s see here … (skims through BOGUE’s paperwork) … Well, there are some emergency accommodation providers, but your income is way too high to qualify and there are only so many places available … and if the Department of Housing rejected your application, it’s not likely that anything I can bring to bear will change their mind … and … umm …

BOGUETTE: Oh, but ploise! Ploise ploise pretty ploise! We’re about to get chucked out onto the street! You can’t let these kids sleep rough, can you? (points to AIDEN, BRAIDEN, JAIDEN and KAIDEN who are all looking suitably downcast, fidgeting and looking at the carpet)

MP: Well, there’s not much I can do, but I’ll …

BOGUETTE: What, but we got four kids, we pay our taxes, you gotta help us, you’re our MP! Just look at these kids … look how distressed and stuff they are … (nudges AIDEN in the small of his back with her elbow and whispers sotto voce through clenched teeth) Now kids, now!

AIDEN, BRAIDEN, JAIDEN & KAIDEN: Boohoo! Boobooboohoo …. Waaah waaah waaaah …. Boohoohoooohooo … Boobooobooobooohoo …. Waah waaah waaah booboohooo …

MP: OK, what I’ll do is call the area manager at the Department of Housing, see if I can prevail upon him … (picks up telephone and hits a speed dial button) … Hi there mate, it’s the state MP here, how are you … yeah, listen …. I’ve got yet another constituent with me here … yes, case number 11/4576-238/AB2 … yes, four children, one income, repossession proceedings have commenced … they do need a place as soon as possible … haven’t been able to find a place …. OK … aha … yes, I see … all the motels are full up … income too high, I see … Yes, please let me know if anything becomes available … yes, it is urgent … OK, thank you, bye.

BOGUETTE: No luck?

MP: I’m terribly sorry, but … all the motels are full, there’s no emergency accommodation available, and I’m sorry, but there’s nothing more …

BOGUE: Nuffint more, eh? Nuffint more?

MP: No, sir. Sorry.

BOGUE: Urgghrughkurrghnt! Look here, mate! Look here! (points to his tattoo on his forearm) Aussie Pride, mate! Aussie Farkin’ Pride! We’re not a bunch of curries or ching-chongs. We’re Aussies, we got rights! And one of them rights is a roof over our heads!

BOGUETTE: We got four kids, look at ‘em, they’re cryin’ and bawlin’ their eyes out an’ shit because they don’t know where they’re gonna sleep. The guvment told us, have one for Mum, one for Dad and one for the country, and we even went one better … and the guvment won’t even give us a place to stay? Snot bloody fair!

MP: I understand, but … there’s nothing more I can do for you. Sorry. Now I’m a very busy man, I have to drive into the city in peak hour to …

BOGUE: (shouts) No, you farkin’ won’t! We ain’t leavin’ until we get a roof over our heads!

LAUREN: (knocks on door) Is everything OK in there?

MP: Yeah, everything’s OK. Just a constituent who’s having difficulty leaving. That’s all. He’s leaving now.

LAUREN: (opens door) OK people. I’m sorry but you’re going to have to leave now. Understood?

BOGUE: Oi! You shut up, y’unnerstand? Mind your own business! We ain’t leavin’ until we have a rock-solid promise that we’re gonna get a place to stay.

LAUREN: No sir, I insist. Please leave now, I don’t want this to turn nasty … if you know what I mean.

BOGUE: Oi! I’ve got the right to speak to me own MP any bloody time I want. Who gave you the right to threaten me? Now, bugger off and leave us alone! And you guys aren’t leavin’ either until me kids have got a place to sleep!

LAUREN: Suit yourself! (closes door and goes back to front office)

BOGUETTE: Carn mate, you’re our MP, I voted for ya, me hubby voted for ya, but you won’t do jack shit to help us, will ya?

MP: Umm … all I can do is … umm … make representations and … umm …

BOGUE: Bullshit! You’re a farkin’ Member of farkin’ Parliament, we voted for ya, you’ve got the power, so pull your f#$%in’ finger out or I’m going to Today Tonight and tellin’ them my story and baggin’ the shit out of ya to the whole farkin’ country!

MP: (breaks down and bawls his eyes out) But I don’t have any f#$%ing power! I’m just a Member of Parliament! I can’t do anything! Honestly! Boohoo … aaarggh waaaah booboobooboohoo …. Just an MP, I can’t do anything, I’m just a backbencher, nobody ever listens to me, oh boohoohoohoohooo …

(BOGUE and BOGUETTE look at each other for a few seconds, speechless)

BOGUETTE: Well, if you don’t have the power, if you can’t get me and me hubby and our four kids into a place, who does?

MP: The Department of Housing, I guess … sniff sniff sob sob …

BOGUE: Yeah, and who controls the Department of Housing?

MP: The Minister for Housing … sob sob …

BOGUETTE: And who controls him?

MP: I don’t know, lady, I really don’t know! Cabinet and the Ministers just do what they want whenever they want … Aaaaarghhh booboohoo ….

BOGUE: Oh bloody hell, stop yer farkin’ crying. Man up, for Christ’s sake! So, if the Department of Housing is controlled by the Minister of Housing, and nobody controls the Minister of Housing … then what’s the farkin’ point of voting? Why do me and me missus go down to the Holy Redeemer of Sacred Light Biblical Christian College every couple of years, get our names crossed off, takin’ up our precious time on the weekends, because if we don’t youse carnts send us a fine in the mail – what’s the farkin’ point if you can’t do anyfint to help the people you’re supposed to work for? I saw the posters on your front window. “Working For You”. “Standing Up For Your Community”. It’s all a big con, innit? Just a big farkin’ con.

MP: You know what, mate? You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I hate this f#$%in’ job, hey? Hate it.

POLICE MEGAPHONE: To the man with his family in the MP’s office. Please exit the building now. The building is surrounded! Come out of the front door now with your hands above your head!

BOGUE: What? What the fark? (runs out to the front window, peeks through venetian blinds, and sees six patrol cars in the car park) Bloody hell! (turns to LAUREN) You … you bitch! You called the cops on me, didn’tcha? Admit it! Well, guess what, bitch? We definitely ain’t leavin’ now! And you ain’t either! That’ll teach you to call the pigs on me! (picks up pot plant and fire extinguishers and places them before the door, and picks up a chair and jams it under the door handle)

TO BE CONTINUED …. Next week! Same Bogue Time, Same Bogue Channel!